Tag Archives: kitty
dead man’s chungs! there is no such thing as chungs
Can you tell what I spent most of the middle of last night watching* (after I came home from my party still lookin’ like a rock star, and a little drunk like one, too)? Happy Halloween, internets!**
*Sarah Jessica Parker used to be so awesome, you guys.
**I start NaNoWriMo tomorrow, so this might be the last blog post you see from me for a while. But then again, I might actually start blogging more. Who knows.
bosco
There is a thing living in my house. That thing, that beast, has eaten three of my stuffed animals, a box of styrofoam, and half of our couch. It’s eaten the glasses off my Harry Potter doll, a $60 pair of flip-flops, three pairs of sunglasses, ripped apart the cushion I was storing under my bed, and eaten untold amounts of baked goods swiped straight off the counter, like whole sticks of butter and bags of tortillas. He is a big, stinky, dopeface. When he’s around, I can’t leave doors open, we have to baby gate the laundry room so he doesn’t eat the cat food — and the cat poop. And after he takes a walk in the 110 degree heat, he smells like a butt. He eats trash from our bathrooms, and especially enjoys feminine hygiene products. One time he ate my Office season five DVDs. He has also eaten, in order, every single one of my favorite underwears. He humps pillows like there’s no tomorrow.
He makes me yell things:
No. Bad dog! Very, very bad dog!
Bosco! Poop is not candy! Poop is not candy!
Oi! SHITFACE.
You little fucker! I’m gonna rip your head off!
Oh my God I am SERIOUSLY ANGRY RIGHT NOW.
No no no no no! Stop it stop it stop it STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
I hate you so much right now, your brain is too small to even comprehend.
But sometimes when he’s all sleepy and he looks up at you with those big brown doe eyes, and his ears are just sitting there being all soft, you really can’t help yourself. I remember the first time we met and he was shy and cute. He looked up into my eyes all quiet-like and I could tell he was saying “I love you,” so I just said “I love you, too” but then he ate my slippers so I threatened to chop his nuts off instead. I will acknowledge that he was an okay dog for those three months he was on allergy medicine and did almost nothing but sleep and get fat, and it was kinda cute how he tried to play with the cats, but they always thought he was attacking them so they hissed and scratched him, but he was too stupid to notice. That was pretty good, I guess. Anyway, he’s leaving in three weeks and only like 5% of me is going to miss him, but that is seriously a lot of percentage points, considering.
Farewell, Chubs. Have fun chasing squirrels in Kansas and eating other people’s shit for once instead of mine.
