I did something super embarrassing at work this morning, and that got me thinking about all the other numerous and never-ending embarrassing things I’ve done at work over the years, most of which I’ve probably repressed, and so I decided to make a list. I’m basically making this list for no reason, and it has no practical function, as I’m going to continue being me, which means variations of all of this will probably happen to me again (ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.)

Stupid and embarrassing stuff I have done at work (that I can remember):

10. Accidentally calling clients/students/tutees/fellow employees/whatever by the wrong name, even if I have known them for over six months/have hung out with them outside of work. Have done this on multiple occasions, usually in front of other people.
9. Accidentally hitting myself in the eye with a banana, while my co-worker was watching.
8. Accidentally hitting myself in the mouth with the phone handset, causing my lip to split open and bleed for two hours.
7. Accidentally slicing open my finger down to the bone with a brand new knife while cutting a sandwich at work for a co-worker.
6. Accidentally dropping a bucket of long, sharp knives onto my head from where they were sitting on a high shelf, and then watching in dismay as all co-workers within hearing distance run to the back room to see what I’d destroyed this time.
5. Accidentally slamming right ring finger in pastry case, causing the finger nail to pop out of its nailbed (and as I later learned, causing a hairline fracture) . . . and then in a bit of a daze, with a horrified customer looking on at my limp, disgusting and bleeding finger, attempting to continue ringing up said customer’s transaction. After said finger injury, being unable to think or do anything other than stare in horrified shock at my finger, interrupting several co-workers important duties to have them deal with me, and in particular, having one co-worker drive me to Urgent Care and spend four hours there with me until finally I saw the doctor and he numbed me up and PUSHED MY FINGERNAIL BACK INTO ITS SOCKET. Also my legs were hairy and I hadn’t showered.
4. Accidentally belching while in the middle of leaving a voicemail for a client.
3. Accidentally letting a fart slip out during an . . . inopportune moment.
2. Accidentally saying the word “sex” instead of “success” while on the phone with a client . . . three times in a row.
1. Crashing my brand new company car into a pole and then having to tell my boss and watch his face go FLOOP down to the ground.

And those are just the ten that I could remember right away. I can’t be the only one who is a huge idiot in such inappropriate places. So please, I implore you if you can, make me feel better about the disaster zone that is my life and TELL ME YOUR EMBARASSING STORIES.

Also, I just want to say, for those of you who didn’t get the reference (and honestly, you’re better off that way), that I would have found Bella Swan and her supposed clumsiness much more endearing if she would have actually done herself some damage once in a while instead of just yapping about it all the time. Also, if Ms. Meyer didn’t insist on using the adjective “clumsy” as a substitute for characterization. How did this post about embarassment turn into a Twilight rant? No idea. These things just happen, I guess.