First of all, this post is literally titled “this post is disgusting,” and you’re still reading it anyway. Either you’re a sick human being who gets pleasure from reading about disgusting things, or you’re awesome. I can’t decide which. Of course, there is a third option, that you’re just so used to my neverending hyperbole* that you’re either sticking out the disgusting for the surely ridiculous confessions to come, or you don’t actually think what I’m about tell you will be all that disgusting. Well, I’m here to tell you that if you don’t think what I’m about to tell you is disgusting, then you are probably way desensitized to stuff and I worry about your mental health and safety. Or maybe I’m overreacting. This is a distinct possiblity.
*Hey, guys? What happened to Hyperbole and a Half? I miss it! Allie Brosh, come back!
So here’s my question for you: Is it possible to be allergic to yourself? The reason I ask is because I think at the very least I am a mutated freak who is actually allergic to myself, and at most that the human body has this secret super power from evolution that is designed to discourage cannibalism and zombies. Yes, that is what I said: CANNIBALISM AND ZOMBIES. Let me lay out my science for you:
FACT #1: I have extremely dry lips. I am a chapstick addict and have been since middle school. (P.S. If you care about the best kinds of chapstick, I recommend Aveeno, or Ecco Bella’s vegan vanilla because both have SPF 15 and taste like CAKE.) If I am away from my chapstick for more than a couple of hours, my lips start looking like some sort of plague victim’s. It is super gross.
FACT #2: I am a scatterbrained moron, so being away from my chapstick is a frequent occurrence.
FACT #3: It is gross to walk around looking like a plague victim, and also I learned from TV that it is a good idea to be prepared for possible kissing at all times, so I do what you’re not supposed to do and bite off the flaky pieces. This is almost 100% of the time a bad idea, because sometimes my lip starts bleeding. I know I’m not the only person who does this so don’t even act like this is the gross part.
FACT #4: About 10% of the time, I accidentally swallow the dead lip pieces. This isn’t the gross part either.
FACT #5: THIS IS THE GROSS PART. Immediately after I accidentally swallow pieces of my own skin, my throat swells up. I am not really allergic to anything severely. I have dust and pollen allergies, pretty crappy sinuses, and a near constant flow of post-nasal drip running from said sinuses down the back of my throat (SEXY, YES?) that has lead to more sinus and ear infections in my lifetime than I can even count, and I’m used to all of those things, but I’m not like one of those tragic kids who’s so allergic to peanut butter that his entire airway closes up if he gets within five feet of a PB&J sandwich, so he has to eat all by himself at lunchtime and probably cry into his crappy allergy safe food. ALL THAT is to say that I’m pretty sure my body knows when it’s swallowed pieces of itself and so it goes into attack mode, because SOMETHING JUST ISN’T RIGHT.
So with all of that extremely scientific evidence in front of you, how can you NOT think that the logical conclusion here – assuming that it’s not just me that’s the freak, and assuming that you actually believe me and don’t think I’m just a hypochondriac (I assure you, I’m not, although both my mother and my sister are) — is that our bodies have evolved precisely the tools with which to prevent us from eating one another! What other purpose could this bodily function serve? None. It is the only purpose, and because I listed all of those facts up there, and this is my conclusion, logically this is now also a fact. One time in high school I got an A in Biology, so I’m pretty sure you can trust me on this (I got a B in Chemistry, but that’s only numbers and mixing things in beakers, so it’s not relevant).
Of course, there is also the distinct possibility that this is simply a leftover evolutionary reflex from caveman days or something, like those people who have vestigial tails. For example, you see that I am not actually dead, and that I have never been hospitalized for anaphylactic shock from accidentally swallowing myself. This would also make a lot of sense seeing how people actually do eat each other sometimes in lots of places all over the world, for example those Donner people everyone is always talking about (but we’ll never know for sure if this zombie allergy happened to them because they all died anyway — zombie allergy is now officially what I am calling this). Anyway, even as my throat is closing up because I’m a completely gross human being, I find it sort of comforting that my body is working hard (if futilely) to protect me from the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
(On an unrelated sidenote, don’t forget to enter my giveaway while you still can, and I promise that even though this post is super gross, the baked goods you shall receive will be delicious and meet food health safety standards.)