some miscellaneous miscellany

lizzie-bennet-diaries-lizzie-and-darcy-proposal-scene

1. I have once again lied to you, my reading public. I apologize to all fifteen of you. It has been over two months since my last confession post. P.S. That was inappopriate Catholic humor, for those of you who aren’t in the know. P.P.S. I feel like if I have to explain it it’s probably a bad joke so I apologize again. I’m just going to start throwing out apologies. APOLOGIES, APOLOGIES, APOLOGIES FOR EVERYONE! Did you guys know that ‘apology’ derives from the Ancient Greek ‘apologia,’ meaning to speak in defense of a cause or of one’s beliefs or actions? I only mention this because I find it slightly weird that a word that can now be used to mean the same thing as ‘SORRY I WAS A GIANT DICKBAG’ evolved from a word regularly used to explain the benefits of like, poetry and shit. Words are weird, you guys.

2. Most of you won’t have any idea what I’m talking about, so this is mostly for Jennie and Gretchen, but Lizzie and Darcy finally hooked up in the latest episode of the YouTube series The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (which you should totally watch, BTW) and it was both amazing and YESSSSS REWIND but also troubling. Jennie talks about the SQUEEE part here, so I don’t feel like I need to cover it that much. What I want to talk about is the part about how weird it was that Lizzie and Darcy totally made out on camera and then posted it to the internet. Like, obviously from a story standpoint, we’re not going to get any satisfaction out of the Lizzie/Darcy hookup if we as the audience don’t witness it, but the weird part comes when you start thinking about the diaries as “real diaries.”

In order for it to be part of the story-world Team LBD has created, Lizzie and Darcy not only have to sort of forget they are being filmed (which is definitely something that could happen), but then later physically edit the footage together and agree to let the entire internet (and in a larger sense, the world) view their first kiss(es). Up until this point I think Team LBD has done a great job in respecting the boundaries of what a real person would believably post on the internet about her personal life. Part of the joy of the series, at least for me, is that you become so absorbed in the story that you forget it’s not real — in that sense, it functions more like a diary than as a serialized web series based on a novel from 200 years ago. Team LBD is attempting to create the illusion that Lizzie and her family and friends are real people and this is a real diary. So as squee-worthy as those kisses (and extremely personal love connection confessions were), they sort of pulled me out of the moment. I kept thinking, Oh my God, if that were me and my Darcy, I would NOT have posted that video.

Maybe it’s just my inner academic, but I find this whole thing fascinating. It’s very possible that in the next episode, as she has done before, Lizzie herself will justify posting such a personal moment. She has talked before in the several of the videos about how she views the diaries as a narrative, and how she feels beholden to her audience. She has also made reference to the fact that we never get to see certain parts of her life because she edits them out, or simply does not talk about them. Thus, we see her life the way she wants us to. She essentially has narrative control over her own life, and because she has made her relationship with Darcy such a huge part of that self-constructed story, it is very possible that leaving this moment in the diaries was a deliberate act meant to provide closure to the story that Lizzie the character is choosing to tell (while simultaneously being a fictional character in a aforementioned web-series). Anyway, I’ll be interested to see how it’s handled in Monday’s episode.

3. There is no three. I just wanted to write about The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. Also, I want a chicken cheesesteak.

tv is eating my face

Simon Cowell on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This is the face of smug capitalistic excess in action. MUST DESTROY ALL HUMANS.

It may be time for another purge – and no, not like that. Gross. A TV purge. And now I’m thinking about puke.

So, I never make New Year’s resolutions anymore because historically I just end up being mad at myself for failing to keep them. Maybe I’ve just made the wrong sorts of resolutions previously, but I feel like if I’m going to make something a habit in my life, I just have to do it, and making a huge intimidating list isn’t going to help the process. Or maybe I’m just a chicken-shit with no follow through. That’s also a possibility as well. Anyways, if I was going to make resolutions this year, something that should really be a priority for me would be cutting down the amount of time I waste on television. I know I KNOW, what am I saying?

And I don’t mean it, really. I don’t think it’s a waste. I think pop culture is important, and there is some great storytelling going on in television right now, but that’s not the stuff I’m talking about. A large part of me — the cataloguing part? — is very satisfied by keeping up to date on all the shows. Actually, I joke about having OCD, but I really think I might sometimes. A lot — A LOT — of my TV watching these days is based solely on completionism. You know, that thing where wacky people such as myself have to finish something, be it a book, a season of a TV show, etc, even if that thing is awful and horrible. I’ve gotten better in the past year at cutting those sorts of shows from my life (I stopped watching 2 Broke Girls, for example, but as evidenced by my viewing of the entire second season of The X Factor, I still have a problem with this. Man, that show is awful.). It’s like that thing where you save a bunch of old shit in the back of your closet, like old magazines and graded papers and notebooks full of notes you will never look at again, and you’re so afraid to let that stuff go, because what if you want it, what if you need it, in the future? But then rationality kicks in and you throw it away, and lo, one month, six months, five years later, you don’t miss it in the slightest. It’s like that.

I cut a bunch of TV shows when I was studying for my Master’s exams in 2011, but since then, I’ve just been building my list back up. It really hit me this morning, though, when I went to update my TV Calendar (shut up, yes, I have a TV calendar and I couldn’t function without it) and realized that the two week break winter TV hiatus had given me had just been lovely. I read a shit ton of books, cooked food, hung out with friends, and rewatched a bunch of old shows I’d been wanting to rewatch forever. All of a sudden, January and February looked incredibly busy. How am I ever going to have time to watch all this TV, read 150 books, hang out with my friends, date (EEK), write (blogging and non-blogging), and well, have a life? It’s not like the good old days when I was teaching and going to school and had buckets of free time. To illustrate my point, here is what my TV schedule currently looks like come February and March, once all the shows are back:

SUNDAY

7 PM — Downton Abbey
7 PM — Once Upon a Time
8 PM — Call the Midwife
8 PM — Revenge
8 PM — Game of Thrones

(Also count Breaking Bad and Mad Men here even though they’re not back until later.)

MONDAY

7 PM –Bones
7 PM — Continuum
7 PM – The Biggest Loser (my DVR records this if nothing else is on)
8 PM – Lost Girl
8 PM – Bunheads
9 PM — Castle
9 PM – Revolution

TUESDAY

7 PM –Don’t Trust the B– in Apt. 23
7 PM — Ben and Kate
8 PM — Go On
8 PM — New Girl
8 PM – Smash
8:30 PM — The New Normal
8:30 PM — The Mindy Project
9 PM — Cougar Town
10 PM – White Collar

WEDNESDAY

7 PM — Arrow
7 PM — American Idol (whyyyyyy)
7 PM — Whitney (whyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
8 PM — Modern Family
8:30 PM — Suburgatory
10 PM – Top Chef: Seattle

THURSDAY

7 PM — 30 Rock
7 PM – American Idol
7 PM — Last Resort (at least, until it dies in a couple of weeks)
7:30 PM — Community
8 PM — The Office
8 PM — Glee (yup, still watching)
8:30 PM — Parks and Recreation
9 PM – Scandal
10 PM — Suits (yay!)

FRIDAY

8 PM — Fringe (until it dies in a couple of weeks)
10 PM — Spartacus: War of the Damned (Yay!)

 

And all of that is not including the premieres after March of things like Doctor Who, Veep, Futurama, Legend of Korra, Warehouse 13, and the series premiere of Defiance in May, which I am super excited for because it means Rockne O’Bannon (Farscape) is finally back on TV.

Yeah, so. That’s a lot of TV. Most of them will be airing at the same time, and when that happens, I will technically be watching 36 shows per week. And even with the ones I’m planning on eventually cutting (The New Normal, Smash, The Biggest Loser) and the ones that are on their way out (Fringe, Spartacus, Last Resort, Breaking Bad), that’s still a fuckin’ lot of shows, ya’ll. But I can’t help it! With the cable TV boom getting boomier all the time, there’s just so many more shows to watch. It’s like giving a kid free reign in a candy store, except the whole thing ends with you tying the kid up and heaving him over your shoulder to prevent him from stuffing his face so full of sugar that he goes into a diabetic coma and his brain explodes.

HELP.

P.S. I had this weird urge to recap American Idol this season so I could be mean to it. If I did that, would any of you actually be interested in reading it?

SUCK IT, BELLA SWAN

I did something super embarrassing at work this morning, and that got me thinking about all the other numerous and never-ending embarrassing things I’ve done at work over the years, most of which I’ve probably repressed, and so I decided to make a list. I’m basically making this list for no reason, and it has no practical function, as I’m going to continue being me, which means variations of all of this will probably happen to me again (ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.)

Stupid and embarrassing stuff I have done at work (that I can remember):

10. Accidentally calling clients/students/tutees/fellow employees/whatever by the wrong name, even if I have known them for over six months/have hung out with them outside of work. Have done this on multiple occasions, usually in front of other people.
9. Accidentally hitting myself in the eye with a banana, while my co-worker was watching.
8. Accidentally hitting myself in the mouth with the phone handset, causing my lip to split open and bleed for two hours.
7. Accidentally slicing open my finger down to the bone with a brand new knife while cutting a sandwich at work for a co-worker.
6. Accidentally dropping a bucket of long, sharp knives onto my head from where they were sitting on a high shelf, and then watching in dismay as all co-workers within hearing distance run to the back room to see what I’d destroyed this time.
5. Accidentally slamming right ring finger in pastry case, causing the finger nail to pop out of its nailbed (and as I later learned, causing a hairline fracture) . . . and then in a bit of a daze, with a horrified customer looking on at my limp, disgusting and bleeding finger, attempting to continue ringing up said customer’s transaction. After said finger injury, being unable to think or do anything other than stare in horrified shock at my finger, interrupting several co-workers important duties to have them deal with me, and in particular, having one co-worker drive me to Urgent Care and spend four hours there with me until finally I saw the doctor and he numbed me up and PUSHED MY FINGERNAIL BACK INTO ITS SOCKET. Also my legs were hairy and I hadn’t showered.
4. Accidentally belching while in the middle of leaving a voicemail for a client.
3. Accidentally letting a fart slip out during an . . . inopportune moment.
2. Accidentally saying the word “sex” instead of “success” while on the phone with a client . . . three times in a row.
1. Crashing my brand new company car into a pole and then having to tell my boss and watch his face go FLOOP down to the ground.

And those are just the ten that I could remember right away. I can’t be the only one who is a huge idiot in such inappropriate places. So please, I implore you if you can, make me feel better about the disaster zone that is my life and TELL ME YOUR EMBARASSING STORIES.

Also, I just want to say, for those of you who didn’t get the reference (and honestly, you’re better off that way), that I would have found Bella Swan and her supposed clumsiness much more endearing if she would have actually done herself some damage once in a while instead of just yapping about it all the time. Also, if Ms. Meyer didn’t insist on using the adjective “clumsy” as a substitute for characterization. How did this post about embarassment turn into a Twilight rant? No idea. These things just happen, I guess.

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