I’ve written before about how mind numbingly awful working as a barista can be. Of course, there are times when I like it. I like the people I work with, I like working in the bookstore environment. I like getting a 50% discount on all my coffee needs. What I don’t like is rude (or mean, snobby, dickhead) customers. Customers make or break your cafe working environment, and if you work too long in a toxic working environment, your frustration has to go somewhere. The sad truth of the matter is that if that toxic work environment is a cafe, it’s the customer — and not even necessarily the deserving ones — who get to reap the benefits.

For your own safety, I need to tell you now that if you get a smiley-face on your Starbucks cup, and it’s from a barista you don’t know, DO NOT DRINK. A smiley face is the universal symbol for asshole, and I don’t feel guilty telling you this because I think messing with customers’ drinks, for the most part, is kind of despicable. You are being entrusted with something kind of sacred when you are handling a person’s food. On the other side of that equation, of course, is the fact that rude customers are the first people to break that trust. If you’re an asshole to a person who is serving your coffee, don’t be surprised if you experience one of the following: sometimes the barista will deliberately make you a decaf drink, and this one is a killer, because it can’t be detected; extra pumps of syrup in your drink when you ask for less; too many shots; spit . . . there are an almost endless array of options, and a lot of them you won’t even know about.

So, what’s the lesson here? In the words of Wil Wheaton: don’t be a dick! If this sounds like it might be hard for you, or if you don’t know whether you are being a dick or not, I have a helpful list for you. This list was compiled over the summer with the cooperation of my fellow cafe workers, most notably my roommate’s boyfriend Patrick (who is responsible for a lot of the really funny ones), and I’ve just been to lazy to type it up. See, NaBloPoMo is good for something.

COFFEE SHOP ETIQUETTE

DO:

• Tip if you can. Coffee shop salaries are nothing spectacular.
• Always, always tip on large orders. When you bring a large order — one that is more than five drinks — you are interrupting the flow of business, causing stress to the employees. They will not mind doing this for you as long as you are polite, and let them know you appreciate their hard work by giving them extra money.
• Move tables and chairs back to where you found them. Common courtesy.
• Clean up after yourself. We really don’t appreciate the dirty spit covered plates and the floor full of crumbs. It makes us cranky.
• If you’re a Starbucks customer, specifically, learn how to say your drink in the right order. This is especially necessary if your drink is a complicated one.
• Pay all at once. Do not pay for five different drinks with five different cards. That is obnoxious.
• If you are a regular at a cafe, let new employees learn your drink. Be patient. You are a dick if you get angry when a new employee doesn’t automatically know that your coffee should be made a special way.
• Trust the barista to do their job. Wait until AFTER your drink has been messed up to complain or badger them. If you badger them BEFORE your drink is made, you are going to get coffee ala spit, especially if you are mean.
• Assume that the barista is miserable, and act accordingly. You are only one in a million, so be nice.
• If you are wearing a tie, that doesn’t make you a better person than the person who is making your coffee. Get over yourself.

DON’T:

• Be rude.
• Wait at the end of the bar and correct the barista while she makes your drink.
• Leave trash on top of or near the trash can. It is a matter of seconds to move it actually into the trash can. Similarly, don’t leave trash on the tables, or on your plates. We will clean your plates with our dishwasher, but we don’t want to touch your dirty napkins.
• Tell stupid, offensive, or racist jokes. When you do this, you are either assuming that you are right and that the barista agrees with you, and if on the off chance the barista is not an anti-semite/skinhead/racist/homophobe/doesn’t agree with your politics, that makes you a dick. Or, if you are assuming that the barista won’t agree with you, then you are a bully AND a dick and that is basically assault.
• Don’t tell me you hate Starbucks coffee. If you hate Starbucks coffee, then get out of the fucking Starbucks and go somewhere else.
• Tell me you used to be a barista, and that you do it all differently. I don’t care.
• Be unreasonable. I’m talking to you, exactly-six-ice-cubes lady. You are ridiculous.
• Yell at the barista for doing her job.
• Touch the cups. Or try to grab a cup and write down your own drink order. Just don’t.
• Complain to the barista about things out of their control, like corporate policy, drink recipes, etc.
• Remark on the appearance or demeanor of the barista. You do not know what is going through their heads, or what they have  been through, or whether or not that snide comment you just made is going to send them into the back room in tears.
• Order five minutes before the cafe is closing. The only exception to this is if you give a nice tip, then we don’t mind.
• Talk on the phone while ordering. Put it the fuck down. Your correspondent will understand. Your barista, however, will not.
• Pay with change, unless there’s not a line or you have it pre-counted.
• Steal milk and cream to make your own latte or breve, but only pay for a shot. This is stealing, and we know you’re doing it, even if we can’t stop you. Beware.
• Steal WiFi. If you are coming to a cafe to use the internet, good for you, but you need to do the right thing and purchase goods as well. Depending on how long you are there, you should buy at least one drink, and most likely a pastry.

So remember, DON’T BE A DICK. Thank you.