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this post is about nothing. you’re welcome.

December 12, 2012 By in blogging, silly 6 Comments

_lushkink3I came here with the intention of typing ‘Once upon a time . . .’ and then following it with something asinine and not even remotely clever, probably involving swearing or poop or something, but then I had an urge to figure out how I could enter a blog post like Oprah enters a room, and then I immediately realized I had no idea how to make that happen, so now you’re reading this run-on sentence instead. And all of that happened in approximately .07 seconds. My brain is like LIGHTNING.

Which reminds me, did you guys see the last 30 Rock episode when Jenna was like ‘MY WHOLE LIFE IS THUNDER,’ and normally I don’t really like Jenna, but I am 100% behind that line. Even though my life is boring in reality, sometimes it feels like thunder. And anyway, Jenna was talking about thunder as in ‘stealing my,’ so it’s really not the same thing, but out of context, it sounds awesome. I can tell you one thing and that’s how I didn’t intend to spend an entire paragraph talking about Jenna on 30 Rock, but it’s happening, and I guess that’s progress, if you consider that I’m actually writing something while writing about nothing, which is an improvement over not writing nothing at all. You follow me, stranger? (Is that a thing? Did I just plagiarize allude? Who cares shut up I’m over it.)

And now that I’ve typed ‘shut up,’ I just want to take the moment to say, inappropriately, that I feel very personally upset by the Dooce/Jon divorce and also morbidly curious.

And now I’m sad.

And I just want to say that I did intend to at some point mention what a good mood I was in this morning because I did yoga last night, and because I watched Chuck last night as well, and this morning, and it was my favorite episode of the whole series (“Chuck Versus The Beard”), but hey look at that, I’ve managed to say it anyway, despite getting so unbelievably off track. Basically I can just write whatever I want, and you’re already in this too deep, so you’re just going to keep reading aren’t you. You don’t even know what I’m going to say next (because I don’t know what I’m going to say next), and I don’t have any evidence for this, but

Okay, so I’m pretty sure I was going to say something amazing there but I got distracted by something and closed the document and when I came back to it I had already forgotten what I was going to say.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to end this entry. I know it’s good for me. I’m going to go watch a movie and eat enchiladas with my idiot friends, and then I’m going to come home and watch The X-Factor. Don’t ask my why I watch that horrible show, I just do okay, so shut up. CARLY ROSE WOOOOO!!!

To be continued later, maybe, probably . . . some day.

UPDATE: So I watched the episode, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Carly Rose actually delivered my two least favorite performances. Maybe it’s because she sang two of my favorite songs, “Imagine” and “Your Song,” but actually I think my favorite performances were Tate Stevens’ rendition of “Bonfire” (super fun, and hey, I would buy that album), and Fifth Harmony’s crazy Mad Hatter and glitter inspired performance of Ellie Goulding’s “Anything Can Happen,” which I downloaded from iTunes (and which featured Camila wearing the largest bow on her head that has ever been worn by a human being).

In conclusion, Tate should win because he and his super cute family deserve it. Carly Rose is young and doesn’t need the $5 million like he does. But I also hope Emblem3 and especially Fifth Harmony get snatched up by recording companies, because I love them. THE END.

DAMMIT, JERRY

November 6, 2012 By in Important Posts Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

On this day of important things, I want to say things that are not important. And by ‘not important,’ I mean that I had the urge to write something, came here to my blog two seconds later and started typing. I have no idea what I am about to say, and that should give you some idea of where my head is at right now. I guess you’ve been warned?

The election is making me all energized and stuff. It’s reminding me how weird it feels to be an adult, and how awesome it felt the last time around in 2008 when things seemed so awesome and everybody was like, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED. That was before we realized Obama was just a man who puts his damn pants on one leg at a time. Anyway, back to the exciting. I’m always going to count 2008 as my first election because even though I voted in 2004, that was back before my brain realized it could have thoughts of its own. It’s kind of weird how you listen to your parents about stuff like this. They’re like, THIS IS RIGHT, and you’re like, OKAY, PARENTS. I BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE YOU CREATED ME PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY AND CLOTHED AND FED ME AND PROVIDED FOR MY BOOK AND ICE CREAM NEEDS FOR 18+ YEARS AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS THE TRUTH.

I realize that most people have this sort of realization a little earlier than I did, but I had a good relationship with my parents as an adolescent. I never rebelled, never partied, never caused any trouble. I was the perfect child and they were goddamned spoiled. When I have kids I want them to be Ashley Jr.’s. I will be sad for their lack of social life and how they’re losers until the age of 19 and everything, but the parent part of me will be all happy because loser kids who do what they’re told don’t get into much trouble. Or any, really. The most trouble I got into in high school was for totalling my car, and even then it was more like, we acknowledge that you are 16 and an idiot, and even though we are disappointed in you, we cannot logically punish you for this. The only rebellion I ever committed against my parents was watching The X-Files and Friends, even though they came from the Devil and were corrupting my soul.

But my point is that I was basically a parrot in 2004. My parents told me I was one thing, and I believed them. The next year, when I realized that basically my entire belief system meant that I was actually an evil liberal nutcase (a belief system, I would like to note, instilled in me ironically by the same parents who use the term liberal like it was a swear).

So 2008. Yeah. Not sure where I’m going with this.

One time when I was visiting her, my mom woke me up at 6:30 AM just to ask me why my generation was so jaded, why none of us were patriotic.  I can’t seem to make her understand that patriotism shouldn’t have to mean that you never question what you’re told. But my mom is a sweet and innocent flower who has a hard time seeing beyond appearances. She wants to believe that people tell the truth, and that there reasons for saying things are genuine, because that’s how she would be if she were in their place. Maybe I’ve gone too far in the other direction — thinking that everything that comes out of a politician’s mouth is a half-truth, even from the ones I vote for and support.

Is it weird to admit that I have gotten most of my in depth election talk from John Scalzi? Love that guy. (You guys have seen this, right? I typed ‘love that guy’ and then my mind immediately went to, “Lick Matt’s face – love that guy.”)

This post has become useless very fast so instead of typing more word vomit, I am going to stop tying word vomit and go order some fucking Thai food, turn on Comedy Central, and go pull out some or all of my hairs instead.

SUCK IT, BELLA SWAN

August 28, 2012 By in Me Tags: , , , 19 Comments

I did something super embarrassing at work this morning, and that got me thinking about all the other numerous and never-ending embarrassing things I’ve done at work over the years, most of which I’ve probably repressed, and so I decided to make a list. I’m basically making this list for no reason, and it has no practical function, as I’m going to continue being me, which means variations of all of this will probably happen to me again (ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.)

Stupid and embarrassing stuff I have done at work (that I can remember):

10. Accidentally calling clients/students/tutees/fellow employees/whatever by the wrong name, even if I have known them for over six months/have hung out with them outside of work. Have done this on multiple occasions, usually in front of other people.
9. Accidentally hitting myself in the eye with a banana, while my co-worker was watching.
8. Accidentally hitting myself in the mouth with the phone handset, causing my lip to split open and bleed for two hours.
7. Accidentally slicing open my finger down to the bone with a brand new knife while cutting a sandwich at work for a co-worker.
6. Accidentally dropping a bucket of long, sharp knives onto my head from where they were sitting on a high shelf, and then watching in dismay as all co-workers within hearing distance run to the back room to see what I’d destroyed this time.
5. Accidentally slamming right ring finger in pastry case, causing the finger nail to pop out of its nailbed (and as I later learned, causing a hairline fracture) . . . and then in a bit of a daze, with a horrified customer looking on at my limp, disgusting and bleeding finger, attempting to continue ringing up said customer’s transaction. After said finger injury, being unable to think or do anything other than stare in horrified shock at my finger, interrupting several co-workers important duties to have them deal with me, and in particular, having one co-worker drive me to Urgent Care and spend four hours there with me until finally I saw the doctor and he numbed me up and PUSHED MY FINGERNAIL BACK INTO ITS SOCKET. Also my legs were hairy and I hadn’t showered.
4. Accidentally belching while in the middle of leaving a voicemail for a client.
3. Accidentally letting a fart slip out during an . . . inopportune moment.
2. Accidentally saying the word “sex” instead of “success” while on the phone with a client . . . three times in a row.
1. Crashing my brand new company car into a pole and then having to tell my boss and watch his face go FLOOP down to the ground.

And those are just the ten that I could remember right away. I can’t be the only one who is a huge idiot in such inappropriate places. So please, I implore you if you can, make me feel better about the disaster zone that is my life and TELL ME YOUR EMBARASSING STORIES.

Also, I just want to say, for those of you who didn’t get the reference (and honestly, you’re better off that way), that I would have found Bella Swan and her supposed clumsiness much more endearing if she would have actually done herself some damage once in a while instead of just yapping about it all the time. Also, if Ms. Meyer didn’t insist on using the adjective “clumsy” as a substitute for characterization. How did this post about embarassment turn into a Twilight rant? No idea. These things just happen, I guess.

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