tv is eating my face

Simon Cowell on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This is the face of smug capitalistic excess in action. MUST DESTROY ALL HUMANS.

It may be time for another purge — and no, not like that. Gross. A TV purge. And now I’m thinking about puke.

So, I never make New Year’s resolutions anymore because historically I just end up being mad at myself for failing to keep them. Maybe I’ve just made the wrong sorts of resolutions previously, but I feel like if I’m going to make something a habit in my life, I just have to do it, and making a huge intimidating list isn’t going to help the process. Or maybe I’m just a chicken-shit with no follow through. That’s also a possibility as well. Anyways, if I was going to make resolutions this year, something that should really be a priority for me would be cutting down the amount of time I waste on television. I know I KNOW, what am I saying?

And I don’t mean it, really. I don’t think it’s a waste. I think pop culture is important, and there is some great storytelling going on in television right now, but that’s not the stuff I’m talking about. A large part of me — the cataloguing part? — is very satisfied by keeping up to date on all the shows. Actually, I joke about having OCD, but I really think I might sometimes. A lot — A LOT — of my TV watching these days is based solely on completionism. You know, that thing where wacky people such as myself have to finish something, be it a book, a season of a TV show, etc, even if that thing is awful and horrible. I’ve gotten better in the past year at cutting those sorts of shows from my life (I stopped watching 2 Broke Girls, for example, but as evidenced by my viewing of the entire second season of The X Factor, I still have a problem with this. Man, that show is awful.). It’s like that thing where you save a bunch of old shit in the back of your closet, like old magazines and graded papers and notebooks full of notes you will never look at again, and you’re so afraid to let that stuff go, because what if you want it, what if you need it, in the future? But then rationality kicks in and you throw it away, and lo, one month, six months, five years later, you don’t miss it in the slightest. It’s like that.

I cut a bunch of TV shows when I was studying for my Master’s exams in 2011, but since then, I’ve just been building my list back up. It really hit me this morning, though, when I went to update my TV Calendar (shut up, yes, I have a TV calendar and I couldn’t function without it) and realized that the two week break winter TV hiatus had given me had just been lovely. I read a shit ton of books, cooked food, hung out with friends, and rewatched a bunch of old shows I’d been wanting to rewatch forever. All of a sudden, January and February looked incredibly busy. How am I ever going to have time to watch all this TV, read 150 books, hang out with my friends, date (EEK), write (blogging and non-blogging), and well, have a life? It’s not like the good old days when I was teaching and going to school and had buckets of free time. To illustrate my point, here is what my TV schedule currently looks like come February and March, once all the shows are back:


7 PM — Downton Abbey
7 PM — Once Upon a Time
8 PM — Call the Midwife
8 PM — Revenge
8 PM — Game of Thrones

(Also count Breaking Bad and Mad Men here even though they’re not back until later.)


7 PM —Bones
7 PM — Continuum
7 PM — The Biggest Loser (my DVR records this if nothing else is on)
8 PM — Lost Girl
8 PM — Bunheads
9 PM — Castle
9 PM — Revolution


7 PM —Don’t Trust the B– in Apt. 23
7 PM — Ben and Kate
8 PM — Go On
8 PM — New Girl
8 PM — Smash
8:30 PM — The New Normal
8:30 PM — The Mindy Project
9 PM — Cougar Town
10 PM — White Collar


7 PM — Arrow
7 PM — American Idol (whyyyyyy)
7 PM — Whitney (whyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
8 PM — Modern Family
8:30 PM — Suburgatory
10 PM — Top Chef: Seattle


7 PM — 30 Rock
7 PM — American Idol
7 PM — Last Resort (at least, until it dies in a couple of weeks)
7:30 PM — Community
8 PM — The Office
8 PM — Glee (yup, still watching)
8:30 PM — Parks and Recreation
9 PM — Scandal
10 PM — Suits (yay!)


8 PM — Fringe (until it dies in a couple of weeks)
10 PM — Spartacus: War of the Damned (Yay!)


And all of that is not including the premieres after March of things like Doctor Who, Veep, Futurama, Legend of Korra, Warehouse 13, and the series premiere of Defiance in May, which I am super excited for because it means Rockne O’Bannon (Farscape) is finally back on TV.

Yeah, so. That’s a lot of TV. Most of them will be airing at the same time, and when that happens, I will technically be watching 36 shows per week. And even with the ones I’m planning on eventually cutting (The New Normal, Smash, The Biggest Loser) and the ones that are on their way out (Fringe, Spartacus, Last Resort, Breaking Bad), that’s still a fuckin’ lot of shows, ya’ll. But I can’t help it! With the cable TV boom getting boomier all the time, there’s just so many more shows to watch. It’s like giving a kid free reign in a candy store, except the whole thing ends with you tying the kid up and heaving him over your shoulder to prevent him from stuffing his face so full of sugar that he goes into a diabetic coma and his brain explodes.


P.S. I had this weird urge to recap American Idol this season so I could be mean to it. If I did that, would any of you actually be interested in reading it?

12 responses

  1. I still won’t watch American Idol, but I would read the HECK out of your recaps. Also, your tv schedule is about three times busier than mine and it makes my brain/heart hurt. I guess mine’s about to get somewhat more insane with the return of Downton, Bunheads, and Cougar Town. YAY COUGAR TOWN.

  2. I’m most looking forward to Face Off coming back in a few weeks. I can’t help it, I totally love that show.

    (Oh, and for the Thursday night NBC lineup to not be on hiatus anymore)

    (plus, Mad Men and Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy and The Walking Dead when they come back)

    • I gave up on The Walking Dead mid-season two because it was piling up on my DVR. I think it was the zombie in the well incident that did it for me — shit, that was gross. Apparently I gave up just as it got good again, though, so I have to catch up. SO MUCH TV NOT ENOUGH TIME.

  3. The beauty of my TV schedule these days is that most of what I watch is a half an hour long. I quit Once, I’m refusing to endure another season of pointless singing shows, and most shows works really well when there’s nothing else to do. Also, that I watch about 20% of the shows you watch. I’d definitely read your AI recaps, but wouldn’t you rather read during that time?

    • Well, that’s the thing. If I get an urge to write something, I tend to go with it, because how often does that really happen? I figure I’m going to be watching anyway, I might as well write about it.

  4. Don’t forget Don’t Trust the B- is on Sundays, too, now (I don’t watch it, but I watch Happy Endings which is in the same boat).

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