It is monsoon season here in Tucson. That means that it doesn’t rain very often, but when it does rain, it RAINS. And here’s the thing about rain in Arizona: nine times out of ten, when it actually rains, you a) Are wearing flip-flops with no grip and so to avoid falling down in large puddles you have to take off your shoes and walk to your destination barefoot, b) Have no umbrella and are basically fucked if you aren’t wearing a hoodie, and sometimes even then you are fucked, which basically means you will end up sitting in sopping wet clothes for three hours, worst case scenario, or c) Both of those things at the same time. I have lived in Arizona almost my entire life. I have lived here in Tucson for close to eight years. So I have to ask myself a question: Why don’t you just buy an umbrella, you idiot? Here are some possible answers to the question “Why don’t you just buy an umbrella, you idiot?”
1. Because it rains so infrequently, an umbrella is not a worthwhile investment. An example of a worthwhile investment would instead be ice cream.
2. The chances that I will actually get caught in the rain mathematically — despite the real life proof which features me being caught in the rain three times in the last month — would seem to indicate that an umbrella is unnecessary. Math > Real Life.
3. Walking across campus barefoot is secretly exciting, because you’re supposed to wear shoes if you’re civilized and not like a bear or a wolf or whatever, and also because stepping into dirty, disgusting shin-deep puddles while crossing the street is horrible and wonderful at the same time.
4. Related to #3, walking into a classroom in sopping wet clothes and sitting there, despite it being hellaciously uncomfortable and chafing and cold, allows one to moan piteously and shuffle around on one’s chair so as to subtly gain sympathy from one’s classmates.
5. Both #’s 4 and 5 also make good stories for later. Getting caught in the rain is good for this in general no matter what happens to you. One time in college, a girl who lived in my dorm was riding home on her bike when a monsoon hit and as soon as she walked in, literally dripping water, everyone was so concerned for her and she was so popular, like for thirty minutes. She has probably even got lots of sympathy from telling that story years later.
6. When you get home and you’re wearing wet clothes, it’s fun to take the wet clothes off and put on warm, dry ones, and then maybe have some hot chocolate and not doing anything productive for the rest of the day, because getting caught in the rain is mentally draining. Or stimulating. Probably both, but either way, not conducive to work.
7. Rain in Arizona is a big deal, and when it happens the general consensus seems to be to treat it like a big deal and run around like an idiot instead of pulling out an umbrella like people everywhere else do.
8. I would have to carry the umbrella around and that sounds annoying.
9. I wouldn’t be able to write this post if I went out and actually bought an umbrella.
10. I am mentally unbalanced.
Which one of these is the correct answer? Is there a correct answer? The world may never know.
You left out the part where every street in Tucson floods because, despite the crazy raining that happens every monsoon season, the streets are not built for it. Other than that, I concur with everything :)
You mean like this?
Yes! so your pants can be wet up to mid-calf whenever you go anywhere.
Please email me your address so I can send you an umbrella. Or a rain poncho.
I bet it rains a lot in Ohio, huh. I bet it’s nice. I bet you all have umbrellas.
Rihanna’s “Umbrella” song just popped into my head.
It rains a fair amount. I have an umbrella at work. Two or three in my car. Who knows how many at home. So yes, I have lots of umbrellas.
P.S. I left off my list the part about how you’re not a real man if you wear a rain poncho or use an umbrella.
I own several umbrellas, but I almost never use them. Carrying one around *is* annoying. It’s all well and good when it’s dry, and you can shove it in a bag, but once it actually gets wet, you have to deal with this soggy thing that drips all over the place. Plus, in my experience, it’s often windy when it rains, so most of you gets wet anyhow, and then you have to fight with your umbrella in the wind. (That sounds like it should be a mime routine. I seem to be fixated on mimes today. Maybe it’s because I’m stuck in a box.) And then there’s the risk of leaving the umbrella behind some place. Then you not only get wet, but you are out the money for the umbrella that might have been better used to buy ice cream.
I’m glad you don’t have an umbrella, because this post contributes more to the world than a few minutes of protection from the rain.
I asked for – and received – an umbrella for Christmas last year – a wicked expensive (for an umbrella) double umbrella, so that I could use it with my chair, and not poke out the eye of whoever was helping to push, and maybe both of us would stay a little dryer. We keep it in the car, and have not had a chance to use it even once in the rain. I did use it to block the sun this summer, though, so at least there’s that. So I would add #11 – If I bring an umbrella, it is guaranteed not to rain.
I suspect the true answer is #8 – annoying trumps even math.
Umbrellas ARE a pain. We have a similar problem here, although it rains even less. When I was in college and lived on campus it was the WORST. Everything you’ve described. Now that I drive from place to place, I gleefully stay drive. HAHA, dorms!
However, I think the best reason to not have an umbrella is changing into dry clothes, drinking hot chocolate, and blowing off the rest of your day to watch something totally cerebral like West Wing.
Please email me your address so I can send you an umbrella. Or a rain poncho.