This is my very first live Whedon finale of my lifetime ever in the universe of evers. I don’t know how to make that more clear to you.

Maybe I could just say it, but I enjoy hyperbole and this is my blog so I figure if I can’t talk like an ass here, there where can I? Anyway, I was late to join the Whedon wagon train (though not as late as some). My friend Mike forced Buffy the Vampire Slayer down my throat in 2004 and in exchange he promised to watch The X-Files. I slammed through the entire series in less than a month; it was my first experience with intensive TV on DVD viewings. By “Becoming,” I started having dreams, by “Once More With Feeling” I was in love, and when I hit “Chosen” I sobbed for an hour and a half straight. Buffy was my introduction into intelligent television and for that I will always love it. Without Buffy I never would have found Veronica Mars or Battlestar Galactica (both watched on the recommendation of The Joss). I spent the summer of 2005 watching Angel and I finished Firefly exactly one hour before Serenity premiered in the theaters. But I have never before watched a Whedon finale live.

Much has been written about Dollhouse: that it’s a show that had bad timing and bad luck, that it should have been on cable, that Eliza Dushku was a poor choice for a lead, that it shouldn’t even exist. And while I confess that it is certainly my least favorite Joss Whedon endeavor, that doesn’t mean it isn’t still lightyears ahead of almost everything else on television. You know, yesterday I was forcing my way through Marx’s Kapital when the dude actually wrote something kinda poignant (and which I immediately related to television). Marx’s thing is that whoever controls the material base of society also controls the ideological base, and that people who write or create art that propagates messages which go against that base are doomed to fail. I can’t think of a show that is a better example of this than Dollhouse. Hell, it’s not just telling right-wingers things they don’t want to hear, it’s telling everybody things they don’t want to hear. Or perhaps it’s as simple as Patrick Rothfuss standing up at a fan convention to yell at the fans:

“Listen,” I say unto them. “You’re all a bunch of whiny little titbabies. Joss Whedon is a storyteller and you’re upset because he isn’t acting like a music box, playing you your favorite song again and again.

“Joss Whedon made me care about the X-men, even Cyclops. He sold me on space cowboys. He made me sing in the shower and write fanfiction for the first time in my life. He told me a subtle story with Dollhouse and gave me the best character arc I’ve ever seen with Wesley Wyndam-Pryce.”

“Why don’t you marry him?” someone shouts from the audience.

“Because of Proposition 8,” I shot back. “And because he never returns my calls.”

Patrick, my dear, I couldn’t have said it better myself. And now, to the liveblogging.

“Epitaph Two: The Return,” Dollhouse — January 29, 2010

00:00 — Lindsay is sitting next to me and we are both drinking wine from large glasses. I am about to press play (God bless DVRs.)
00:01 — VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED? Does that mean there’s sex? Or just boring old violence?
00:02 — Okay, all the people rushing Zone, Mag and little Caroline are freaky like zombies. I hate zombies.
00:03 — Zone calls little Caroline “tiny Messiah.” Lindsay laughs. Bosco is trying to eat Lindsay’s head.
00:05 – “Neuropolis”? Is that like Metropolis kind of? But in the future? Oh they just said: “the city of minds.”
00:05 — Okay, it’s really super creepy that Harding the asshole ate his rental body to bursting and then he gets to pick a new, hot body to make fat all over again. I guess that’s kind of the American dream, though, huh?
00:06 — Little Caroline, meet Big Caroline? Except it’s not Caroline, it’s Echo. Oh, and Paul is still hot and Topher is still crazy.
00:13 — Okay so the plan is obviously to try to “fix the world,” according to Topher. Linday and I are now making predictions. Will there be a happy ending? I say yes, maybe I’m being optimistic. Lindsay says no.
00:14 — I totally called it! Pseudo-Asian boy is totally Sierra and Victor’s kid. I mean, Priya and Anthony. Speaking of, where is he? Is he dead?
00:15 — Little Caroline talking back to Adelle is hilarious.
00:16 — What’s the likelihood of two redheads finding each other in the Apocalypse? Zone and Mag . . . you are an aberration of nature.
00:18 — A Maurissa Tanchoeren-Whedon sighting. Lindsay spotted her; I didn’t. I am ashamed. And what the fuck is on Victor’s head?
00:22 — I’m really enjoying this Great Depression/1930s era feel. It makes sense if their whole thing is no technology. Growing their own food, handmaking their own clothes.
00:25 — Kilo — aka Maurissa Tanchoeren — has to take out Mercy to make room for Weapons. How . . . fitting.
00:27 — It’s sad to see Priya and Tony at the tail end of the romance, but it feels right, like it’s what would have happened.
00:28 — P.S. I forgot to tell you that I laughed really hard when Paul called Echo “fat.”
00:29 — And now the Apocalypse is complete: there’s cannibals. I guess that’s what they call the violent ones, the “zombies.”
00:33 — Lindsay is having trouble with subtraction. I keep having to tell her numbers for this.
00:35 — The slo-mo pausing of the frame for a split second after an explosion is reminding me of something. It’s probably an allusion to some film that I haven’t seen but probably should have.
00:36 — I was literally just about to complain about Mag getting shot when out of the fucking blue BALLARD GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD AND IS NOW DEAD. And now Lindsay is crying and it is AWFUL.
00:38 — What the hell! We’re hugging Alpha now?
00:39 — We’re hugging Alpha now. Twice. WHAT.
00:42 — In this instance I believe Topher is the mockingbird. Poor Topher.
00:43 — Why is it that science fiction always comes down to people learning the difference between taking the easy way out and learning to do things the old fashioned way. And it’s always the same answer.
00:45 — That “luddite” reference is totally a reference to BSG.
00:47 — Oh my God, Topher is adorable. Just hops right into bed.
00:49 — Eliza does good angry. Wow. Lindsay is crying again.
00:51 — Okay, this Alpha being good thing is exactly the kind of thing we would have gotten to see if this show had taken place over six seasons as planned. Like Spike, or Wesley. Imagine if we would have only gotten three seasons of Buffy and then the finale. We would have been like what the FUCK. Spike is in love with Buffy? Spike has a soul? SPIKE!?!?
00:53 — Topher & Bennet = <3
00:53 — I could be wrong but Tony Jr. might very well be the very first Whedon baby. Connor doesn’t count. Sorry.
00:54 — I’m thinking all the dirty talk from Zone means that Mag is a lesbian, and she is totally digging on Kilo.
00:57 — Where’s Whiskey?
00:58 — Aaaaand, Paul is in Echo’s head. Thank you,Alpha. That is the most schizophrenically romantic fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire goddamn life.
00:59 — Good ending, show. Good ending. (And I won: happy ending. And I have a theory about why . . . I’ll probably write a post over at BDH elaborating on the Whedon philosophy.)
00:60 — Lindsay and I are both sobbing hysterically now, just FYI. Really should have expected that. I need more wine. I hate you, Joss Whedon.

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And here is the link to Lindsay’s liveblog. I have to go die now.