Last weekend Lindsay went to visit Mia in Washington D.C. without me because I’m po’, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be jealous. Without me, she ate lots of good food and saw awesome national monuments. She also saw Julia Child’s kitchen without me and went dancing without me (although honestly I can definitely live without that part). Most importantly she visited Abe Lincoln without me and saw the bullet that supposedly killed him. You might not know this about me, but I am a tiny bit obsessed with our 16th president and liken him closely to both Superman and J.K. Rowling in the Ashley Halls of Awesome.

So here’s the thing about Abe Lincoln. Everyone seems to think he’s dead, but what they don’t know is that it’s a conspiracy. Guys, you’ve only been told he’s dead. Lindsay took a picture of this supposed bullet and then tagged me. We then had the following exchange:

Lindsay: That is Lincoln’s BLOOD. And BONE FRAGMENTS. And the BULLETS. Anyone else think that’s fucking AWESOME? Obviously sad, but also AWESOME.
Me: This is false. Lincoln is alive in the woods. He lives with Bigfoot in a log cabin. They are BFFs.
Lindsay: But…BFFs? Aren’t they like mortal enemies or something?
Me: They spar in the woods sometimes for fun. That’s probably what you’ve heard about.*

Now, the title of this post is misleading, because while of course I treasure your thoughts like cupcakes, I mostly just wanted to share this exchange because I think that it was exceptionally hilarious, and if you can’t make yourself laugh, then who else is going to do it? Besides professionals and idiots, I mean.

*In answer to your forthcoming queries, Abe would totally hand Bigfoot his own ass in a paper bag.