Tucson, AZ — 6/8/09
WANT ADS

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Seeking: Replacement for female roommate, 24 years old, pale, lazy, mean. Must have an interest in bad science fiction, anime, and talking about sex. Smart preferred. Must be good at baking, eating hot dogs, cheese. Good with animals. Must be qualified for the following activities:

• Photoshopping your roommates into pictures of celebrities, i.e. running on the beach with Obama, hugging a naked Daniel Radcliffe, etc.
• Acting as Cat Whisperer to mentally unstable feline.
• Giving back massages to whiny, stressed out roommates.
• Practical jokes of an elaborate nature, i.e. hiding a randomly emitting beeping device in your roommate’s room and driving her batshit crazy for three months.
• Long, weekly trips to the grocery store that involve buying inordinate amounts of food for no good reason.
• Owns a food processor, likes playing board games, has never been drunk (not from lack of trying).
• Expecting me to add “That’s what she said” after everything you say, and expecting me to add it to everything you say in return.
• Own no less than three poo-themed tshirts.
• Messy until pressured.
• Playing both the flute and piano, having respectable singing voice (used to make third roommate uncomfortable by singing a rehearsed duet of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with first roommate (me) because third roommate hates Christmas music).
• Be willing to take the place of missing second roommate as First Wife and all entailing responsibilities.
• Willing to make me things, i.e. cookies, cake, scarves, turkey dinner; must also be good at giving presents.
• Willing to take/make stupid bets, i.e. How long can you go without pooping? How many bowls of neverending pasta can you consume at Olive Garden in under an hour?
• Must love: steak, fettucine alfredo, Star Trek, taking stupid pictures of animals.
• Being awesome.
• Be this person.

Please respond ASAP to narfna at gmail dot com. Very lonely and sad.