A couple of days ago, I was alerted to an internet event that was happening today. It’s all very complicated, and it apparently started over at Alert Nerd, but basically it has to do with being a complete crazy person. Your “Scott and Jean” (referencing X-Men) is the one thing you cannot rationally discuss with anyone because you become so angry about it. Your sacred cow. Surprisingly, I had trouble finding one. Then I thought of three. Here they are, in ascending order of how angry they make me:

3. The fourth season episode of The X-Files, “The Field Where I Died.”

As many of you know, and I will fight you on this until my dying breath, The X-Files online community was the place where the term “shipper,” short for “relationshipper” was invented. Back then, in the early days of the internet, you were either a shipper or a NoRomo (a person who believed a Mulder Scully Romance, or MSR, would ruin the show). Obviously, I was a shipper, or a person who wanted Mulder and Scully to be together 4EVA. This was also the place that the terms OTP (One True Pairing) and UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension) were coined. In those early years, Chris Carter, that douchebag, was steadfast in his resolve that Mulder and Scully would not have a romantic relationship. I was okay with this, as long as he never contradicted the fact that Mulder and Scully were clearly (if secretly) in love with each other, I wouldn’t be the one to start the riot.

And then came episode 4X05, an episode about a religious cult which M & S are investigating, and a major theme of which was reincarnation. Again, all of this: fine. AND THEN. Oh, that tricky bastard, he introduces this jackass named Melissa, a member of the religious cult who claims that she and Mulder (and Scully) knew each other in a past life (probably multiple lives), and that — fucking hell — they were SOUL MATES. She weaves this huge sob story about the civil war and to be honest I don’t really remember much about it. I’ve only seen the episode twice because it makes me SO ANGRY. The episode goes out of its way to shove down our throats fucking Melissa as Mulder’s soul mate, and poor little Scully tagging along, as just his “best friend” or whatever. FUCK YOU, CHRIS CARTER.

Obviously, the writers wizened up in later years (or as I like to think, caved under peer pressure from fans) and Mulder and Scully are forever encased in TV history as soul mates, officially. Praise Jesus, Amen. For me, and for most fans, that fucking episode simply doesn’t exist.

2. Harry Potter Fanfic

YOU GUYS. I am getting angry just thinking about this. I can’t remember if I’ve confessed it before, but I’m going to now: I read a lot of fanfiction back in the day. I even wrote one (it was a terrible Susan/Mark ER fic, don’t even ask). I must have read at least 10,000 X-Files fics (where else was I going to get to see them have sex?) alone. I think that fanfiction is a healthy (if retarded) way for fans to express their frustration with the cockblocking of most network television programs. There’s something about television in my head that makes fanfic okay. Maybe it’s because I can see the characters, or because it’s on TV for everyone to see, or because a team of writers is responsible as opposed to just one, but anyway it just seems more like public property to me.

But you listen here, fangirls, books are a different story. Books are sacred; you do not mess with them. You do not change them. It’s fucking Harry Potter, people. What makes you think you are in any way qualified to improve upon J.K. Rowling’s storylines? I’m sorry to burst your bubbles, but I have some news for you: 1) Ginny and Draco are not soul mates and do not secretly want to bone one another, 2) Harry and Draco (who is also not a beautiful tortured soul) are not secretly gay for one another, 3) Luna Lovegood is not a dirty whore, and 4) Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are also not gay lovers. To me, taking a character and changing his or her basic underlying characteristics is nothing sort of sacrilege. I will admit that I’ve come across several fics in my angry research that are nothing more than modest attempts to play around in the HP world, no harm done. Those I might consider acceptable (except that I really don’t), but I cannot and will never never NEVER forgive anyone who thinks it is okay to take a beloved character from a book, change his or her entire personality, and turn it around for their own sick purposes.

I HATE YOU ALL.

1. “_________ sucks.”

And finally, at its most basic, this one is the worst. I get very passionate about the things that I love. In a sick nerd way, they become a part of me. So, when you tell me that you hate something I love, what you’re really saying to me is that you hate me. If I hear anyone insulting any of the following in any way, I become homicidal: Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and just Joss Whedon in general. I will protect the integrities of these pinnacles of awesomeness with my dying breath. I will fight you with a sword. And, as a warning for your own protection, if you say such things to my face, you better leave the room before you get a fork inside your ear drum.

Now, please to excuse me. I need a moment.