I just want to share a comparative list with you, to illustrate a sort of revelation that I had yesterday. I was sitting in Ike’s — this cute little local Tucson coffee shop thing — attempting to slam through a bunch of readings that I should have finished the night before, when out of nowhere, just BAM, the unfairness of life smacked me right in the face. Within ten minutes, I went from calm and happy and chugging some iced chai to a crazy person on the verge of some sort of pain-related emotional breakdown, with a bowl of hot oatmeal desperately sitting on her stomach. Why? Half of you probably have already guessed, and the other half of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Here is a diagram to prove it:
“Normal”
I’m not missing anything, am I? I mean, I don’t consider myself a feminist, more of a humanist if you’re gonna make me put a label on there, but seriously yesterday I was on the warpath. The guy who checked me out at Walgreens was in some serious danger, and he didn’t even know. Also, did you guys know they make Midol in this scary extra strength package? I don’t know what NSAID is; all I know is that before I took it I was about ready to like shave my head and go man-hunting with a machete or something, and afterwards I just wanted some chocolate and maybe a foot-rub. Drugs are awesome.
See…this is why I never checked out strange girls in public. For safety reasons.
(Okay, that is a total fabrication…I check ‘em out ALL. THE. TIME.)
You may like to add the following to the boys column:
(once, maybe)
vasectomy
It should be put side by side with girls’ tenderness or headache.
Dan — I meant “checked me out” as in “took money for goods that I was buying,” but, good to know.
Peefer — That is pretty awful sounding, BUT, as it doesn’t fall under the category of your own body turning on you and it is something you willingly submit your body to, it doesn’t really count. Nice try, though.
That’s what I meant, too. Why? What did you think I meant?
I’m a feminist. PMS is a myth. Sorry.
/soapbox
Abigail: If you lived with my roommate, you wouldn’t think so.
The confusion over checking out actually made me lol.
Also, one you can put under the boys (no pun intended) is having what should be internal organs hanging out externally. I’m not saying it makes things equal. I’m not saying it’s even close. I’m just saying we deserve to have something on the list.
Craig — I thought about putting that on there, but I was worried I might offend someone’s delicate sensibilities.
Oh, I totally agree with Craig. I would not trade the girls list for that in a million years.
NSAID = non-steroidal anti-inflammatory = way better at relieving some types of pain than acetomenophin (aka Tylenol), but it will also eat your liver alive if it’s taken for too long or at too high a dose.
Nerd moment: I was way excited that no one else had posted this tidbit of information already and I could bust out my meager pharmacy knowledge skillz. ‘Course now Andrew’ll show up and put me to shame.
Hi Martha!!
My liver? :( I only took one pill once. That doesn’t do anything bad, right?
Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs. i.e. motrin, ibuprofen, etc.
And I just realized someone else mentioned this but oh well. I must show my pharmacology knowledge I’ve spent two and a half years learning.
Also: tylenol may eat your liver, but NSAIDS will eat your tummy.
Thank you for this post. Freaking awesome.
Lauren: I forgot to tell you. Jackie works at Ike’s on Monday mornings when I go in. She asked about you the other day.
I’m going to suggest that postpartum AWFULNESS be added to the girl list. I bled for seven weeks straight after giving birth. Ah, lochia!