If you did not just receive an email from me, then I am sorry to say that you did not win a prize in the Ashley Awesome Grand Re-Opening Giveaway. Better luck next time (yes, there will be a next time). That is all.
this post is disgusting
First of all, this post is literally titled “this post is disgusting,” and you’re still reading it anyway. Either you’re a sick human being who gets pleasure from reading about disgusting things, or you’re awesome. I can’t decide which. Of course, there is a third option, that you’re just so used to my neverending hyperbole* that you’re either sticking out the disgusting for the surely ridiculous confessions to come, or you don’t actually think what I’m about tell you will be all that disgusting. Well, I’m here to tell you that if you don’t think what I’m about to tell you is disgusting, then you are probably way desensitized to stuff and I worry about your mental health and safety. Or maybe I’m overreacting. This is a distinct possiblity.
*Hey, guys? What happened to Hyperbole and a Half? I miss it! Allie Brosh, come back!
So here’s my question for you: Is it possible to be allergic to yourself? The reason I ask is because I think at the very least I am a mutated freak who is actually allergic to myself, and at most that the human body has this secret super power from evolution that is designed to discourage cannibalism and zombies. Yes, that is what I said: CANNIBALISM AND ZOMBIES. Let me lay out my science for you:
FACT #1: I have extremely dry lips. I am a chapstick addict and have been since middle school. (P.S. If you care about the best kinds of chapstick, I recommend Aveeno, or Ecco Bella’s vegan vanilla because both have SPF 15 and taste like CAKE.) If I am away from my chapstick for more than a couple of hours, my lips start looking like some sort of plague victim’s. It is super gross.
FACT #2: I am a scatterbrained moron, so being away from my chapstick is a frequent occurrence.
FACT #3: It is gross to walk around looking like a plague victim, and also I learned from TV that it is a good idea to be prepared for possible kissing at all times, so I do what you’re not supposed to do and bite off the flaky pieces. This is almost 100% of the time a bad idea, because sometimes my lip starts bleeding. I know I’m not the only person who does this so don’t even act like this is the gross part.
FACT #4: About 10% of the time, I accidentally swallow the dead lip pieces. This isn’t the gross part either.
FACT #5: THIS IS THE GROSS PART. Immediately after I accidentally swallow pieces of my own skin, my throat swells up. I am not really allergic to anything severely. I have dust and pollen allergies, pretty crappy sinuses, and a near constant flow of post-nasal drip running from said sinuses down the back of my throat (SEXY, YES?) that has lead to more sinus and ear infections in my lifetime than I can even count, and I’m used to all of those things, but I’m not like one of those tragic kids who’s so allergic to peanut butter that his entire airway closes up if he gets within five feet of a PB&J sandwich, so he has to eat all by himself at lunchtime and probably cry into his crappy allergy safe food. ALL THAT is to say that I’m pretty sure my body knows when it’s swallowed pieces of itself and so it goes into attack mode, because SOMETHING JUST ISN’T RIGHT.
So with all of that extremely scientific evidence in front of you, how can you NOT think that the logical conclusion here – assuming that it’s not just me that’s the freak, and assuming that you actually believe me and don’t think I’m just a hypochondriac (I assure you, I’m not, although both my mother and my sister are) — is that our bodies have evolved precisely the tools with which to prevent us from eating one another! What other purpose could this bodily function serve? None. It is the only purpose, and because I listed all of those facts up there, and this is my conclusion, logically this is now also a fact. One time in high school I got an A in Biology, so I’m pretty sure you can trust me on this (I got a B in Chemistry, but that’s only numbers and mixing things in beakers, so it’s not relevant).
Of course, there is also the distinct possibility that this is simply a leftover evolutionary reflex from caveman days or something, like those people who have vestigial tails. For example, you see that I am not actually dead, and that I have never been hospitalized for anaphylactic shock from accidentally swallowing myself. This would also make a lot of sense seeing how people actually do eat each other sometimes in lots of places all over the world, for example those Donner people everyone is always talking about (but we’ll never know for sure if this zombie allergy happened to them because they all died anyway — zombie allergy is now officially what I am calling this). Anyway, even as my throat is closing up because I’m a completely gross human being, I find it sort of comforting that my body is working hard (if futilely) to protect me from the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
(On an unrelated sidenote, don’t forget to enter my giveaway while you still can, and I promise that even though this post is super gross, the baked goods you shall receive will be delicious and meet food health safety standards.)
The Ashley Awesome Grand Re-Opening Giveaway
How does that dang song go, the one you’re now going to have in your head all day?
So apparently I made all these promises and now I have to keep them. One of those promises was that I would do a giveaway, so here I am. Fulfilling my promise. One less thing to feel guilty about in the coming months. And it’s not like I didn’t have fun with this one, because here’s what I did. I spent four and a half hours in my local used bookstore scouring the shelves. A lot of the books I went in to look for specifically* were, no surprise, not there, but I did end up coming away with seven of my favorite books, which I will now proceed to give away to you.
*Did you know that it is almost impossible to keep Kurt Vonnegut novels in stock, for instance? This is what I was told when I went looking for The Sirens of Titan. So, sucks for you all that I didn’t find that one. Also, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And basically any Terry Pratchett or Neil Gaiman.
So here’s how this is going to work. I’m giving the books away in packages. If you want to sign up for a specific package, email me which one you are interested in and I will put your name into a drawing. Winners will be chosen with one of those random internet generator thingies, so I promise: no favoritism.** If you don’t care which package you win, you can enter your name in The Grab Bag package, details below. The packages are as follows:
**Yeah, I’m talking to you.
PACKAGE #1 — Gone With the Wind: This book is approximately a billion pages long, so it is a package all in itself. This is one of my all-time favorite books, and I’m of the extremely sound belief that every American needs to read this at least once in their lives.
PACKAGE #2 — Mad Fairy Tales: As pictured above, the winner of this package will receive a copy of William Goldman’s The Princess Bride (which I just re-read, so not only do you have my assurances that it is 100% awesome, you also get the book as my leftovers, and doesn’t that just make you so happy?) plus one other thing. I tried SO HARD YOU GUYS to find a copy of Stardust, but it just wasn’t happening, but as this book was kind of the inspiration for this whole giveaway, and because it fits PERFECTLY in with TPB, I am determined to find it. So: you will also be getting Stardust (I’m not sure yet if this will be a copy of the original illustrated text, or the re-worked novel, but either way, this is happening).
PACKAGE #3 — Those Lovely Brits: At first I was going to give away Pride & Prejudice, but then I thought, no! Poor Persuasion, so lovely and wonderful, deserved it a little more. PLUS, the themes and story fit in so well with my other choice, The Remains of the Day (both being about people who fucked up in love the first go-round, you see). This package is perfect for people who like to have their emotions punched in the face.
PACKAGE #4 — I am Five Years Old: You people with kids might like this one, but honestly? Fuck the kids. Get these for yourself. I read kid stuff all the time, and I have read all three of these books sometime in the past three years. All three are still awesome. The Witches by Roald Dahl, Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville, and Inkheart by Cornelia Funke (for older kids, maybe even YA), are all storyteller books. They’re the kind of books you want to read curled up by a fire with hot cocoa, where dragons are real, and magic is terrifying and wonderful.
PACKAGE #5 — The Grab Bag: If you sign up for the grab bag, your name will be entered in all four drawings. If you choose this option and win a package, yay for you. BUT. If you happen to win more than one package, your win comes secondary. People who sign up for specific packages will get top priority for those packages, and you will get whichever one is left. Capiche?
Here are some things to keep in mind: 1) All the packages will come with some sort of baked goods, haven’t decided what yet; 2) It would be cool if you would tell everyone you’ve ever met about this giveaway, because as you know, I am a giant internet whore (but not a sellout! you will notice how I don’t have ads and am very poor); and 3) Don’t leave your entries in the comments, please remember to email me: narfna at gmail dot com.
GO.
UPDATE: Deadline to enter the giveaway is 4/24.
